Lyrics
Ladies and gentlemen, due to illness, tonight the part of Denis Leary will be played by Denis Leary
And now, please welcome: Denis Leary!
Thank You! thank You, thank You, thank you, and FUCK You!
There's a guy- I don't know if You've heard about this guy
He's been on the news a lot lately
There's a guy- he's English, I don't think we should hold that against him
But apparently this is just his life's dream because he is going country to country
He has a senate hearing in this country coming up in a couple of weeks
And this is what he wants to do
He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger, Yeah!
He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning
Like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet, right?
Like he's going to get his way
And all of the sudden smokers around the world are going to be going
"Yeah, Bill, I've got some cigarettes. HOLY SHIT! These things are bad for You!
Shit, I thought they were good for You! I thought they had Vitamin C in them and stuff!"
You fucking dolt! Doesn't matter how big the warnings are
You could have cigarettes that were called the warnings
You could have cigarrettes that come in a black pack
With a skull and a cross bone on the front, called tumors
And smokers would be lined up around the block going
"I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things!
I bet You get a tumor as soon as You light up!
Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm!"
Doesn't matter how big the warnings are or how much they cost
Keep raising the prices
We'll break into your houses to get the fucking cigarettes, OK!?
They're a drug, we're addicted, OK!?
Numm Numm Numm Numm Numm (wheeze)
I'm a little hyped up tonight
Little hyped up
Smoked a nice big fat bag of crack right before the show "Agghhhh!"
I'm only kidding folks, I would never do crack
I would never do crack
I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, OK, folks?
Kind of a personal guideline in my life
Somebody says, "You want some crack?" I say, "I was born with one, pal!
I really don't need another one, thank you very much!
If I want the second crack, I'll give You a call
But for right now I'm sticking with the solo crackola, thank You!"
God. crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack
Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for, You know?
One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going
"You know, that cocaine's pretty good
But I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, OK?
I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go (snort, SPLAT!) Now I'm happy!
I'm dead, the ultimate high!"
That's the problem in this country. People are never satisfied with stuff the way it is
You gotta make it bigger and better and stronger and faster
Same way with pot
For years pot was just joints, and then bongs came out and bongs were OK too
But then bongs weren't good enough for some people, "Neeh!"
Remember that friend in high school wanted to make bongs out of everything
Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit?
Come in one day and find your friend going, "Hey! Look man
I made a bong outta my head! Put the pot in this ear and take it outta this one!
Good! Take a hit! (snort)"
Then they got one of those big giant bongs that you gotta start up like a motorcycle
"Put the pot in!" (motor starting)
Kids are driving their bongs down FDR Drive
"Pull the bong over man, I wanna do a hit. Pull it over!"
What was the problem with just smoking a joint
Eating a couple of Twinkies, and going to sleep? Was that a problem?
They say marijuana leads to other drugs
No it doesn't, it leads to fucking carpentry, that's the problem, folks
People getting high going, "Wow man, this box would make an excellent bong! (snort)
This guy's head would make an excellent bong! (snort)" Relax!
That's why I stopped doing drugs in the first place
Not because I didn't like 'em, but because I didn't want to build anything, OK?
I don't do illegal drugs anymore
Now I just do the legal drugs
Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed
Let me tell you something, folks, forget about cocaine and heroine
All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed
I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil five years ago
I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show!
Klaus Vanbulo was standing over my bed going, "Denis, get up!
There's something the matter with Sunny! Hurry up!"
I love NyQuil, man, I love it!
I love it, I love it, I love it
It's the best shit ever invented, Isn't it, huh?
I love the name alone, NyQuil - Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q!
I love that fucking Q, don't you!? What a great advertising idea
Put a huge fucking Q on the box
They'll get high and stare at it, "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"
I love NyQuil, man. Because NyQuil has never changed, man
It's never changed
All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing
"We know that there's a small child inside of You
So now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor"
Not NyQuil! they still have the original green death fucking flavor!
You know why!? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like!
It's so strong you go, "(wheeze) Hey this stuff really tastes like." Bang!
Yea in the coma already! "What happened?"
"He said tastes like and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!"
We have reached the point where the over the counter drugs are actually stronger
Than anything You can buy on the street
It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says
"May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans!" OK?
"Kiss your family and friends goodbye. Say hello to Klaus!"
NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love You! You giant fucking Q!
NyQuil is the secret for all You twelve step recovery program people
Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key!
It's the thirteenth fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter!
Drink as much as You want. "Are You drunk?" "No! I have a cold
Same cold I've had for two years, I just can't seem to shake it
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green
Merry fucking Christmas!"
Drugs man. Capital D, drugs. I did my share. I did my share, and your share, and his share
I did a lot. I grew up in the seventies. That's when drugs were drugs, man
We did them all, God dammit! We did every fucking drug there was to be had
We did them all! We did stuff that people don't even do anymore
Like Ludes. Remember Ludes? "Ludes, man. Fucking Ludes, man!
Come on and pull up the Ludes, man! Fucking Ludes!"
I think Ludes explained why we were wearing the giant flair bell bottom pants
And the platform pants. What do you think!?
I think it's the only possible explanation!
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution
Wearing clothing that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid! Yeah, OK, yeah
People don't understand, man
Back in the early seventies, you couldn't buy anything except bell bottoms
There were no straight pants in the fucking stores, OK?
The only way you could be a cooler guy, was to get bigger bell bottoms
We used to sit around and get high and go, "Man, when I get some money
I'm getting the biggest bell bottoms in history, man!
They're gonna start at my neck and go twenty feet straight out, man!
I'm gonna be surrounded by ninety feet of bell bottoms!
Homeless people are going to be living under my pants, man!
I'll have platform shoes. I'll be twenty feet tall."
We did 'em all. Man, we even invented a couple of drugs back in the seventies, Yeah
Get this, Wippets. See, some people laugh, and the others need an explanation
Get this, ok? Some kid figured this out back in the seventies
And this kid should have been involved in the space program, ok?
Some kid took the time and the imagination to go down to the supermarket
And figure out if You take a whip cream can container and you press the nozzle on top
Just enough before the whip cream comes out, some gas comes out
You snort the gas (snort), You get high for five seconds
We didn't have MTV! We had the fucking supermarket! That's what we had!
We were down there everyday snorting whip cream and hamburger
We didn't care. Put some on your gums!
We had to. We had to get over that bell bottom hump. We did it all
Cocaine? We started that. You're welcome! What a great drug that was, Yeah
I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small
Makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank
Is that possible please!? I'd like to make this face all night!
I'd like to sit in the bathroom and talk to a complete asshole stranger
For seven hours on end. Is that possible please!?
With no penis and a nose bleed! Where do I sign up!? Take my penis away!
That was the worst part about the coke, man
Was being in that bathroom with that stranger at the end of the night, Wasn't it, huh?
Talking about shit like solving the world's problems
And the only reason you're in there is because he has the coke
That should have been a fucking sign, don't ya think?
I mean if Hitler had coke
There'd be Jews in the bathroom going, "I know You didn't do it. (snort)
I like your mustache. (snort) Fucking Himmler. (snort)"
Ok. Yeah. Mmm. We used to do eight balls. Oh those were fun, weren't they?
Nothing like getting a bunch of coke! Right?
That was usually, like, eight balls were usually like four guys on a Friday night
One guy at 8-o'clock goes, "Hey man. Let's get an eight ball!
It'll last us all weekend!" Four hours later the same four guys
"(Frantically) Let's get another
Eight ball! Let's get another one! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Yeah!"
